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Sunday, June 21st, 2009
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10:37 am
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The other night I dreamt my dad died in a fireball car accident. We went to his funeral, and it felt more real than I cared it to be. The pastor asked if anyone wanted to say anything, and I stood up and screamed, "I WANT MY DAD BACK" before crumpling into a hysterical heap and passing out. I read the Father's Day PostSecret entries today and one about someone's dad who'd died 18 years prior made me cry out of fear and, well, fear. If my dad ever died prematurely, I would cease to function as a sentient being. That woman on Obsessed who wore her dead father's clothes suddenly doesn't seem as weird and creepy as she did last week. Ugh.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 20th, 2009
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4:20 pm
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Creative stagnation is reaching critical levels. If I cracked my head open right now an infinity of poems would explode out in all directions.
Chinchilla applied to work at Maverick. How weird would that be. Question mark? Jared says he's thinner; I don't know if I like that, but then who cares what I think about it, ha ha.
I busted my balls moving my aunt's classroom from 6:30am to 5:30pm and was not paid like she promised. Then I was thrown under the bus as I sat in the car with my mouth wide open, all so she could preserve her school and community reputation. If she asks me to help set up the new room in a few weeks I think I know what the answer is going to be. Crank that finger high into the clouds, lass.
Can't tell if I'm getting sick or if I'm so stressed out internally that my body is simply refusing to function properly anymore.
Jared shut me out the other night because I was open and honest about something private, and now I'm pissed at him for holding on to insecurities procured from past ugly relationships, along with an apparent lack of trust. I wanted to be all independent and confident and get in his face, but in the end what the hell would that accomplish. Question mark? I'm not your ex-girlfriend, and I'm not going to -------- when we temporarily break up. Christ. I'm getting tired of hearing "When you ------ it makes me anxious because in the past soandso did ------ and it made me feel like everyone is out to abandon/use/whatever me." GAH. Trust me, please. It's been almost three years and I'm not out to get you. Angry face.
Aliza and Christa, prepare to lose ownership of your sewing machines.
I miss Aaron, but I have no time for weeks. Can the world please just stop for a day so we can watch clouds on a hill in Pleasanton? Thanks. Love, Vanessa.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 24th, 2009
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3:58 pm
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| Sunday, May 3rd, 2009
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6:25 pm
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| Monday, April 27th, 2009
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10:43 pm
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| Sunday, April 26th, 2009
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8:32 pm
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8:26 pm
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8:18 pm - Ha ha!
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| Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
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10:33 pm
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Who is buying the complete 150 card set of 1994 X-Men Fleer Ultra trading cards on eBay instead of studying for geology? That would be me.
I bought this deck in person after church one day when they were new, and for some godforsaken reason I let them slip through my fingers one by one--into the trash. Thankfully no one seems to care too much about my nostalgic treasures: I paid twelve bucks. Hah!
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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9:04 pm
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1:30 pm
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This week is shit. Until just now I hadn't left the house in two days, and I was starting to forget how. I have been living off sugar and soda to stay awake, sometimes until four in the morning for no reason. I say no reason because that paper that was due on Monday which still isn't complete did not, obviously, get completed in those stolen wee hours. Many nights in a row. Ugh. I suck!
Last night I dreamt Jared was cheating on me with a hostess at his restaurant. We were hanging out and while I kept talking to him and asking him questions, he couldn't hear me because the whole time he was on the phone with this mystery Other Woman, and was completely ignoring me. Finally I 'figured it out' and began screaming at him and dropping bombs full of F's all over the place. He just breathed a sigh of relief, waved me away, and left. I woke up feeling even worse than I had the several days before. I haven't seen Jared in over a week, and it'll be at least two before I see him again. He's sick, I'm supposed to be swamped with school, and just... ugh. I'm so stressed I haven't gone to the bathroom in three days. My stomach feels like shit. Ha ha ha. Ha ha?
I don't have time to look for a new job until next week, and once that time comes I need to hit the ground running and never stop until my future is secure. These past two weeks have been nothing but a hurricane of stress where school is concerned, and this job hunt is only going to prolong the feeling. I hate, hate, HATE!!! looking for a job. It makes me sick to my stomach. God dammit all.
My roommates have been my refuge of sanity, but I miss Christa and Aliza like what. Even if Jared weren't sick, I still would not be sneaking visits to his place. That's how tweaked out I am with all this crap.
Two online lectures with activities to complete today, in order to be ready for tomorrow's exam. Somewhere I need to print my DARS and my billions of transcripts so I can meet with my advisor for the FIRST TIME EVER. I'm actually looking forward to it, because I love that professor and he loves my papers.
I don't think my level of apathy has ever been higher. I'm on happy pills but last night I crashed down through my bed into a pit of nothingness that was even more high school than this sentence. First I was mad at being down, then I was mad for thinking these moments would completely go away on meds, before wondering if the pills were doing anything at all or maybe I was insane and ridiculous and dangerous for expecting to never feel down again. Then the spiral logic crushed me and I passed out among my blankets, cats and plentiful, prolific, common, numerous cat toys.
Today I contemplated getting "you are worthy" tattooed over the cutter scars on my left arm. Maybe when I'm liking myself a little more, but I think it's a nice thought. Go me!
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| Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
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9:44 pm
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5:46 pm
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12:11 am - Refreshing
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| Monday, April 13th, 2009
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3:43 pm
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2:10 am
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| Thursday, April 9th, 2009
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10:48 pm
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10:18 pm
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| Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
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10:42 pm
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| Sunday, April 5th, 2009
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12:14 am
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vandressa's journal
